I’m still at a place with my anger at my father that men
that simply remind me of my father aggravate me. I am really looking forward to the point in
time where I don’t have to stop down, reengage my rational and logical mind and
work through the wave of anger. I know
the anger is natural and normal. I know
that in time I will not be as angry. I
look forward to that day when I don’t have to work so hard to return to
rationale and logical state of mind when the wave emotions over what my father
did to our family washes over me.
I did make a major breakthrough today and realized that I
don’t actually wish my father dead (which I have in the past thought I believed)
… I just wish he would leave San Diego, so I don’t worry about running into him
somewhere when I have my daughter with me.
This has been so hard on her. She
doesn’t understand where Papa went and I really don’t want to deal with the
accidental path crossing and the resulting potential emotional trauma to my
daughter.
The truth of the matter is my Dad gave up, he didn’t even
really try. He didn’t let us know
anything was wrong, and then he just walked out and never came back. He hasn’t made any effort to heal the wound
with his children and he hasn’t made any attempt to have a relationship with
his only grandchild. He did that to him;
not us. Our family is still amazing and
beautiful; he just isn’t one of us anymore.
