So every once in a while ... like today, my morning gets away from me and I either don't make my morning protein shake or I don't eat an egg or some oatmeal and I run out the door. This is always a very bad idea because I NEED to eat a little bit every couple of hours or I get really cranky ... plus it's really bad for the metabolism and let's face it, I need all the help I can get in that department. I digress.
So on these mornings, I typically run through Starbucks and get a chai latte and a spinach, egg-white, and feta wrap thingy from there, but then sometimes I think to myself. Ummmmm ... I don't want to spend eight dollars for that and I really don't want to support Starbucks when I could support a "mom and pop" and somehow through all the bizarre brain maneuvers that happen during this time, I end up convincing myself that an apple fritter from a local donut shop is a better idea. So I pull off and ask for an apple fritter pay the $1.75, get in the car, take one bite and instantaneously remember why donuts are a bad idea. They make me feel like crap and they are very seldom tasty enough for that sacrifice, so all too often, I end up paying the $1.75 reminder fee. This is my penance for making a bad food decision.
One day I am hoping to remember that donuts are bad for me, and they make me feel like crap, and I'm not going to eat all of it anyway because it isn't worth the calories, the sugar crash or the upset stomach, but until them all the local donut shops can thank me for my occasional $1.75 contribution to their venture as I once again forget what I already know.
Thank goodness, I keep back-ups of my protein shakes and raw nuts in my desk drawer.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Why So Serious?
I don't even remember any longer where we were or what we were doing, but those words from her sweet, little mouth are seared into my memory. Bella looked at me and asked "Momma, why are you always so serious?" The truth is I don't know why. I have so many reasons to be sad or thoughtful or even a touch angry, but no good reason for being so serious.
For the first time in my life, I can actually say that I have been battling depression. The other night, I actually sat on my couch in the middle of the evening and just uncontrollably sobbed. I want to talk about this a bit. Ever since my Dad took off a bit over a year ago now, I have on more than one occasion reached out and made several phonecalls to try and find therapist because I knew that this was going to be a hard one to process and I should probably get some help working through all of this. Do you know how many therapists and counselors have called me back? One! One! This ladies and gentlemen is a HUGE problem. If someone has actually gotten to the point where they are actively seeking out help and nobody calls them back, this is a problem!
For all of you who watch the news and wonder why these people who are so sad or completely mad didn't get help ...maybe, just maybe they tried and couldn't even get a call back.
I have endured and thrived in life despite having been molested at a young age, regardless of the fact that my grandmother was robbed of her life way too soon and that I sat there and held her hand as she took her last breath, notwithstanding the tragic death of a man I loved very much due to a suicide bomber, I have always been able to keep my head up, love in my heart and a smile on my face. However, the postpartum depression I went through after Bella was born followed shortly thereafter by my fathers act of cowardice to just disappear, walk out on his wife and want nothing to do with his children ... these events over the past four years, have pushed me to the brink of losing my smile. I know it, I can feel it, I have asked for help and my call has gone unanswered.
I am so thankful that I have been mostly able to keep a level head and certainly have not gotten as dark as some other people I know that have been afflicted with depression. I know that I have to be my own advocate and just keep calling until I get a call back from someone that fits my needs, but the point is that we need to be honest with ourselves and with each other. If we don't, we are harming ourselves, but also possibly teaching our minis that we should be serious or glum or angry ... that's no way to live.
My truth is that I was very affected by becoming a mother and than losing my father. I have a beautiful life and a ton of reasons to smile, but it can be easy to lose focus of that and this time finding my way back has taken more work that I ever recall it requiring in the past. In all this, I am starting to learn to give people more grace because none of us know what they may be battling with or who they asked for help that didn't return their phonecall.
I am still knee-deep in this lesson, I don't know what I will look like on the other side of this, but I do know that I have been cold to some people when I was angry even when I know they real answer is love. I vow to be love, to try my hardest to not be so serious, and I promise to return phone calls
For the first time in my life, I can actually say that I have been battling depression. The other night, I actually sat on my couch in the middle of the evening and just uncontrollably sobbed. I want to talk about this a bit. Ever since my Dad took off a bit over a year ago now, I have on more than one occasion reached out and made several phonecalls to try and find therapist because I knew that this was going to be a hard one to process and I should probably get some help working through all of this. Do you know how many therapists and counselors have called me back? One! One! This ladies and gentlemen is a HUGE problem. If someone has actually gotten to the point where they are actively seeking out help and nobody calls them back, this is a problem!
For all of you who watch the news and wonder why these people who are so sad or completely mad didn't get help ...maybe, just maybe they tried and couldn't even get a call back.
I have endured and thrived in life despite having been molested at a young age, regardless of the fact that my grandmother was robbed of her life way too soon and that I sat there and held her hand as she took her last breath, notwithstanding the tragic death of a man I loved very much due to a suicide bomber, I have always been able to keep my head up, love in my heart and a smile on my face. However, the postpartum depression I went through after Bella was born followed shortly thereafter by my fathers act of cowardice to just disappear, walk out on his wife and want nothing to do with his children ... these events over the past four years, have pushed me to the brink of losing my smile. I know it, I can feel it, I have asked for help and my call has gone unanswered.
I am so thankful that I have been mostly able to keep a level head and certainly have not gotten as dark as some other people I know that have been afflicted with depression. I know that I have to be my own advocate and just keep calling until I get a call back from someone that fits my needs, but the point is that we need to be honest with ourselves and with each other. If we don't, we are harming ourselves, but also possibly teaching our minis that we should be serious or glum or angry ... that's no way to live.
My truth is that I was very affected by becoming a mother and than losing my father. I have a beautiful life and a ton of reasons to smile, but it can be easy to lose focus of that and this time finding my way back has taken more work that I ever recall it requiring in the past. In all this, I am starting to learn to give people more grace because none of us know what they may be battling with or who they asked for help that didn't return their phonecall.
I am still knee-deep in this lesson, I don't know what I will look like on the other side of this, but I do know that I have been cold to some people when I was angry even when I know they real answer is love. I vow to be love, to try my hardest to not be so serious, and I promise to return phone calls
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