Why So Serious?

I don't even remember any longer where we were or what we were doing, but those words from her sweet, little mouth are seared into my memory.  Bella looked at me and asked "Momma, why are you always so serious?"  The truth is I don't know why.  I have so many reasons to be sad or thoughtful or even a touch angry, but no good reason for being so serious.

For the first time in my life, I can actually say that I have been battling depression.  The other night, I actually sat on my couch in the middle of the evening and just uncontrollably sobbed.  I want to talk about this a bit.  Ever since my Dad took off a bit over a year ago now, I have on more than one occasion reached out and made several phonecalls to try and find  therapist because I knew that this was going to be a hard one to process and I should probably get some help working through all of this.  Do you know how many therapists and counselors have called me back?  One!  One! This ladies and gentlemen is a HUGE problem.  If someone has actually gotten to the point where they are actively seeking out help and nobody calls them back, this is a problem!

For all of you who watch the news and wonder why these people who are so sad or completely mad didn't get help ...maybe, just maybe they tried and couldn't even get a call back.

I have endured and thrived in life despite having been molested at a young age, regardless of the fact that my grandmother was robbed of her life way too soon and that I sat there and held her hand as she took her last breath, notwithstanding the tragic death of a man I loved very much due to a suicide bomber, I have always been able to keep my head up, love in my heart and a smile on my face.  However, the postpartum depression I went through after Bella was born followed shortly thereafter by my fathers act of cowardice to just disappear, walk out on his wife and want nothing to do with his children ... these events over the past four years, have pushed me to the brink of losing my smile.  I know it, I can feel it, I have asked for help and my call has gone unanswered.

I am so thankful that I have been mostly able to keep a level head and certainly have not gotten as dark as some other people I know that have been afflicted with depression.  I know that I have to be my own advocate and just keep calling until I get a call back from someone that fits my needs, but the point is that we need to be honest with ourselves and with each other.  If we don't, we are harming ourselves, but also possibly teaching our minis that we should be serious or glum or angry ... that's no way to live.

My truth is that I was very affected by becoming a mother and than losing my father.  I have a beautiful life and a ton of reasons to smile, but it can be easy to lose focus of that and this time finding my way back has taken more work that I ever recall it requiring in the past.  In all this, I am starting to learn to give people more grace because none of us know what they may be battling with or who they asked for help that didn't return their phonecall.

I am still knee-deep in this lesson, I don't know what I will look like on the other side of this, but I do know that I have been cold to some people when I was angry even when I know they real answer is love.  I vow to be love, to try my hardest to not be so serious,  and I promise to return phone calls

My Reasons Why: Essential Oils

I have recently dove head first into the world of essential oils. Some of you know that my day job is in the pharmaceutical/biotech realm and the contrast between my day job and the implementation of essential oils may seem incongruent and to others of you it may make perfect sense.

To this story, I add a piece of history. When I was in high school and volunteering at a local hospital because I dreamed of going to medical school, I had a positive PPD (the skin test for exposure to tuberculosis), in short, it was determined that I had latent tuberculosis and the doctors decided to put my on a drug known as INH (Isoniazid).

At the time, they believe that patients should be on the INH therapy for two years in order to be effective. During the time I was on this treatment, I experienced most of the side effects listed on the package insert (fainting, dizziness, numbness and tingling in the extremities, fever, upset stomach, excessive tiredness, weakness, lack of energy, loss of appetite and on at least one occasion, convulsions. The doctor's response was loosely " just take the medicine at night so most of the effects hit you at night during your sleeping hours." Fast forward 11 months and the rules for INH therapy had changed and it had been determined that 9 months were likely to be as effective as the previously supported two year therapy and I was removed from the therapy and received my INH completion card.

Fast forward a few years and I began to suffer from chronic back pain and migraines, so debilitating that some days I could not bring myself to get out of bed. Fast forward some more and you see me gain 40lbs and have headaches so severe that on top of the migraines, I have an unending residual tension headache and spend a lot of time crying from the pain. I saw general practitioners, physical therapists, neurologists and they all just threw more pharmaceuticals at my and six weeks of traction which just exacerbated the situation. I eventually went to a chiropractor for the first time who deduced that all the fainting, dizziness, convulsions, etc. from the INH had caused so much trauma to my spine that I had developed vertebral subluxations which are when one or more of the bones of your spine (vertebrae) move out of position and create pressure on, or irritate spinal nerves. the subluxations were so bad that i had lost some of the natural curvature in my spine and the nerve disturbance so sever that the chiropractic stated that he was amazed that I was not suicidal. I wasn't ... thankfully. However, I had reached my breaking point. I was a finishing up college at San Diego State University when my dance professor saw how much pain I was in and introduced me to her husband who would become my acupuncturist. That man literally saved my life! This was my introduction to a more naturalistic approach to self-care and overall healthcare. He introduced me to Chinese herbs and supplements and through my time getting to know him and his family, I learned more about the importance of whole foods. I could write a whole separate post about that altogether, but the point is that was tipping point in my life. That's when the history of medicinal herbs and foods and the centuries old practices of energy healing came into focus for me and became my first approach to everything.

Let me be clear, science is amazing and there have been some remarkable advancements in western medicine. I am not by any means belittling western medicine. My point is that I believe strongly that there is a time and place for both naturalistic approaches and the more scientifically or technologically driven approaches. Yin and Yang when in balance.

So many years later I meet my husband, he suffers from chronic pain due to a life of ruff and tumble and jobs that require brute strength combined with endurance. He's been hard on him. Ever since I have known him it has been whiskey every night and anti-inflammatories or extended-release pain meds during the day ... just to get him through the aches and pains of being in his own skin. i of course with my own experience and reading drug side effects everyday worry about what that could be doing to his body in the long run.

When we had our daughter, we were blessed to have a healthy baby - she did have a bit of colic, but no reflux, no chronic ear infections, no diaper rash or yeast infections, she didn't even really spit up much, but when she was 15 months old she had her first febrile seizure. It lasted seven minutes and I thought my heart might just break into a gazillion pieces. We learned later that they are benign and she will likely outgrow them, but that we need to manage her fevers when she gets them very aggressively ... which means acetaminophen and ibuprofen, cool wash clothes, light clothing, and occasionally cool baths. That's when I started hearing people recommending peppermint oil on the feet of babes to help reduce fevers. My interest was piqued, but I honestly didn't move on it until she had another seizure and another. She's had three now that we know of ... each one different, each one I feel like I might just die watching her little body seize and jerk.

This was about the same time that my husband was developing a hand injury from his 'hands on' work and was in another level of pain that also happened to interfere with his everyday functioning. Imagine not being able to pour a cup of coffee because your hand gets stuck in the gripped position around the coffee pot handle.  Frustrating!

That's when the essential oil conversation got louder and louder in my world. I began to listen and do my research and that's when I was introduced to Young Living Essential Oils. I sat down with some friends who had integrated essential oils (EOs) into their lives. Their testimonials were inspiring, exciting, and promising. I read more, asked more and I decided to try and integrate EOs into my life.

Since we have started using EOs, I have found a combination of EOs that my husband applies topically to reduce body pain and another one for headaches. He has since reduced his intake of ibuprofen by 95%. I have used peppermint oil in combination with pharmaceutical fever reducers to get my daughter's fevers down in less time with less need for rescue medications.





Oh and did I mention that she was suffering also from chronic nosebleeds (sometimes 3 a day) which have been reduced by 99% since I started using geranium oil on the bridge of her nose twice a day.

My husband and my daughter both fall asleep quicker and stay asleep more peacefully since using lavender and cedarwood oils on them every night. And I avoided a swollen ankle and days of an awkward uncomfortable gait after I took a tumble and twisted my ankle by simply applying lemongrass oil to my hurt ankle.

I friend suffering hair loss is seeing increased regrowth after I made her a blend of EOs. All of this accomplished with a reduced presence of pharmaceuticals in our life. Again, I am not anti-pharma. I work in pharma ... it's my day job, but I am an advocate for safe medications, patient-centric medicine and a healthy lifestyle.




So when people ask me why I am so passionate about EOs, Less pain and suffering for my groom and my daughter all due to a naturalistic, less toxic approach to treating what ails us. I have been on the receiving end of the side effects from pharmaceuticals, those risks aren't to be taken lightly. Sometimes the risks are outweighed by the potential benefit, but why take that gamble when it's not necessary.

Please excuse the interruption; life was happening

It's obvious that I was missing in action from the blogosphere for a while.  I was insanely busy trying not to go insane, be present for my daughter, changing jobs, and well trying to wrap my brain around some super huge shifts in my world.

We have been in our house for almost a year now, my sweet girl turned three years old, I have been at a new job for six months, and ... well, my family endured a huge blow when my father decided he no longer wanted to be a part of any of our lives. It's personal; I am not sure how public I want to be about it ... most of it isn't my story to tell, but the short version is after 36 years of marriage, my Dad decided to walk out on his entire family.  It's been an adjustment, the journey through the range of emotions has been rough to say the least.  Hearing my daughter ask me where her Papa is breaks my heart every time ... knowing that something in his mind is so terribly discontent that he is willing to not even know his only grandchild just about destroys me every time I think about it.

So we have been spending the last year building our new nest, trying to let our hearts heal, and creating new traditions.  Once the divorce is final and all is said and done, I may share more details of the human experience as I think there is much to learn in times like these, but now is not the right time or place.

However, for those of you that have been looking here for updates, I give you some of the photographic highlights of the past year of living, loving, and healing.

Our Humble Little Home on the Hill

Big news!  We've moved!  We are officially homeowners for the first time in our lives and we are madly and passionately in love with this humble little house on the hill.  She's older and needs a lot of TLC, but we find her charming and loveable! 

 

Oh and she might have the most incredible view of East County San Diego!

When things get rough, I turn to you.

As I mentioned in my previous post.  Life is challenging right now; we are all busy sorting out all the feelings that come along with life's struggles when they hit really close to home.  Am I mad?  Am I heartbroken?  Am I sad?  And what does it matter?  What does it change?  Or what if I should be concerned and there is a crazy explanation that makes this all forgivable?  The actual circumstances are inconsequential to this post, but what it comes down to is we all have experienced a hurt so severe that we have asked ourselves all these questions and searched for some answer that makes it hurt less.

So I find it best when I am in this headspace to count my blessings and practice gratitude.

Today, I am thankful for those little simple pleasures and the big characters in my life that make these fabulous little moments so memorable and special.  For instance,  this morning  I was driving Bella to "school" (daycare) when she asked me why Daddy had to go to work. (We are neck deep in the "why" phase.) So I said Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma all have to work so that we can have money to buy food, have a house, and to pay for things we want to do. Which was followed by "Why?" To which I explained that we live in a capitalistic economy. "Why?" Ummmmmmmmmmm .... so I begin to explain the foundation of capitalism in America and how it contributes to our political system and global trade (thinking I would throw her). I look back and see her little wheels turning, I mean I can  actually see her contemplating the origin of capitalism in America and she says, "why?" To which I say "I don't have an answer for that, but did you know a year has 525,600 minutes?" Then promptly bust out into an a capella version of RENT's Seasons of Love.

Oh my heart!  These tender random hilarious moments where I somehow managed to introduce my girl to the world of nerds via cerebralism and Broadway musicals all before 8am.  I am so thankful that my girl is inquisitive and persistent and funny and even more tickled that she smiled when I began singing arguably one of my favorite songs of all time.  And then magnified by the fact that all of that comes in this gorgeous little face.

Which brings me to her daddy, my handsome groom with an artist's soul, a tender heart, and a hand that always finds mine in our sleep.

 



This man defines love when he has every reason to have given up on people a very long time ago.  He has been my rock and has wiped far more tears than I care to admit to and endured even more cursing rants of frustration when nobody else was looking and I didn't have to be quite so strong.

Which, of course, means that I look upon my role models ... the women who shaped me and taught me how to be strong and stand-up for yourself and your family.

I am so grateful for how far my brother and I have come.  It's no secret that he and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye or agreed on what path is the correct one, but we have come leaps and bounds in the past few years.  I am so thankful that we can now speak as adults and discuss personal journeys, the best interest of ourselves and our family and be truly committed to supporting each other and playing vital roles in eachother's lives.  I am also extremely grateful for the woman in his life, who has been such a beautiful compliment to him and become a fast friend and "family" to us all.

 

Which reminds me how fortunate I am to have my Mother-in-law and sister-in-law who not only adopted me as Sean's wife, but as true family.  Allowing me to be a daughter, sister, and friend to them the best way I can figure how.

And then thankful for all my "sisters" who have called, texted, and emailed just to be an ear or a shoulder somehow always managing to deliver laughs, perspective and good news and help keep the balance of highs to these recent lows.

 

 

 

The colleagues who are proving to be dear friends and champions of women.

 



I even have a friend so new that I don't have a single picture with her yet.  What blessings!

So to combat the hurt, I turn my face away from the source and look upon all these amazing characters that make my life so colorful, beautiful, and remarkable.  For you all, I am so grateful.

sometimes everything goes completely sideways

I think I have cried at least once everyday for the past month.  All due to family strife of different sorts ... all seemingly hitting that tender chord with me of feeling misunderstood.  I have never been so mad, so sad, and so misunderstood.  My heart is broken, but I have the most amazing mother, the most loving husband and a remarkable family of friends ... all so willing to listen to me talk, watch me cry, and wipe my tears.

As I often say, "it'll all be OK in the end ... and if it's not OK right now, then it's not the end."

The heart hopes.
Namaste.

WooHoo! Bella's 2!

So our little girl is two years old already! Where did the time go?  Seriously ... all signs of my baby are rapidly disappearing.  So to celebrate her big birthday, we threw her a little bash of her family and our friends and their kiddos.

Having a birthday is February, the weather (especially here) can be unpredictable.  So we made sure to plan a little art activity for Bella and friends since we had no guarantee that Mother Nature was going to allow the kids to run outside ... which she didn't, instead she rained and even snowed for a brief while!

Since we have called Bella, "Bug" since she was born and we knew we were going to have some of her male cousins over, we did a Bug-themed party.

So for their art activity, we got each of the kids two plaster bugs to paint.  As an added "cute" bonus, my Mom made each of the kids a little art apron with bugs all over it.  I think it was a hit! 

 

My cousin (3rd gen), Sonja, even brought her newborn baby boy Sterling to the party.  He and Bella are 4th cousins ...Eek!  I love that!  Bella even had two other 4th cousins there (Ethan and Damon).

Although this party was to celebrate Bella, I felt as though I was the one receiving all the blessings.  I had two of my dearest high school friends here with their daughters, my family, a post-college roommate and her husband, and some new friends that  meshed so seamlessly with all of us.

 

 

As if that wasn't reason enough to feel blessed, they were all here to celebrate our sweet Bug!  We even had friends of my parents who have become family to me, here building "family bonds" with my daughter.  How lucky I am to have wonderful relationships with so many loving people?

 

 

 

 

My hope is that we are surrounding Bella with people and moments that leave here having fond, happy childhood memories.  I hope that she always stays so happy. 

 

 

I think my favorite moment of the entire day was as Bella was opening each present, I would tell her who the card was from and without any prompt, she signed and whispered "thank you" to each person. Proud mommy moment! She does listen when I am trying to teach manners.

Happy Birthday, my mighty little Bella!  We all love watching you grow up!