Who is this person in the mirror?

I look in the mirror and I feel like all the youthful pinkness of my completion and gold in my hair have disappeared.  I feel muted and as though you can see me visibly ageing.

But with that, I feel inclined to focus more on taking care of myself, but guilty for taking time away from my other responsibilities. What kinda crap is that? 

How the hell am I supposed to teach my daughter her worth if I don't value myself enough to allow myself the time to take care of me?

So I refuse to feel guilty for the pedicure I am having as I type this. I will replace the bra that broke this week and I will not feel guilty for it.

I will start waking up early to ensure I have at least 30 minutes of "me" time before I am "mommy." You all are my witness!

Our Humble Little Home on the Hill

Big news!  We've moved!  We are officially homeowners for the first time in our lives and we are madly and passionately in love with this humble little house on the hill.  She's older and needs a lot of TLC, but we find her charming and loveable! 

 

Oh and she might have the most incredible view of East County San Diego!

Vent Session: Discontent Tax-Paying Stakeholder

I have this job.  It's a career really ... a career I never could have imagined I would have.  It has presented me with opportunities to do something I am very good at, make a name for myself at a very young age, travel, meet astounding minds and colorful characters, and work very, very hard.  I have been in this industry for 10 years now.  It is a highly government regulated industry and one of the functions of my position are to ensure we are complying with these federal regulations.  I work in biomedical clinical research which means that I answer to the Department of Health and Human Services, the FDA and the Office of Human Research Protection. 

Two weeks ago, I got a call from one of the aforementioned agencies to announce an inspection at my place of business starting the following Monday.  This is the fourth time in my career I have hosted these types of inspections.  All previous inspections have been successful with no or minimal findings ... none of which required any official action.  Yet no matter how good you are at what you do, this is a nerve-wracking experience.  It's the equivalent of your accountant being audited by the IRS.  Similar to that feeling you get when a police officer pulls up behind you at a traffic light and even though you know you aren't doing anything wrong, you get nervous.  It feels like that. 

In my industry, a poor performance at one of these inspections can cost you your business and all of your employees their jobs, so I take this very seriously.  My company and our team do a very good job, but it's my job to make sure they do their jobs perfectly.  If we don't do it perfectly, we get cited and those citations can become public record.

This wonderful career I have also allows me to telecommute to my office hundreds of miles away from my home in California.  However, this inspection requires me to be in office.  So I arrived to my office two days before the start of the inspection to prepare for what I anticipated to be a three, maybe four, day inspection.  We are now ten days into this work trip for me.  The agency investigator has been arriving late, leaving early, and is extremely naive with regard to scope of our function within the industry.  I have spent the majority of the time the inspector is on premises explaining what we do, teaching certain terms within the regulations that they are supposed to be an expert on, and then today ... the inspector doesn't even bother to show up.

I have explained to the inspector that I have traveled to be in town for this inspection, that I had a conference to be at on the other side of the country starting tomorrow.  I expressed that I understand they have an assignment to fulfill, but I have other work travel commitments, deadlines with our accrediting body, as well as a toddler and a husband at home waiting for me to get home, so if there is anything I can do to help streamline the process or expedite any of the process, I would gladly do it.  Reciprocity.  You let me know what you need and I will get it to you.  No delay, no stammering ... just ask and ye shall receive.  Apparently none of that matters, I am on Day 10 of a business trip, costing my company hundreds of dollars a day to have me here and this investigator (whose salary we pay with our tax dollars) is completely wasting my time.  As a taxpayer, a mother, a professional, and someone who works really hard at meeting tight timelines and doing my job efficiently, I am offended by this investigator's mediocrity and blatant disregard for all of the lives, business plans, and money that are being sacrificed to host this inspection,

I am frustrated.  Even if I wasn't missing my husband and my baby (which I am), I would be offended.  Mediocrity offends me.  This agency is charged with making sure we are doing our job perfectly, yet they are allowed to not even understand what they are evaluating; they are allowed to be mediocre.  How is that fair?  As a tax-paying citizen and thus a stakeholder in the business that is America's government, I am disgusted at the disrespect and disregard that this individual government employee is displaying towards me and my company.  I have a front row seat to the stereotypical government employee doing the bare minimum.

I could say so much more, but I won't.  The only way we are going to change the unengaged, uninvested, disenchanted stereotypical government employee is to speak up and let the government know that as stakeholders, it's not acceptable for our employees to be treating us this way.  Once this inspection is complete, there will be letters written to Congressmen and Department heads at aforementioned agency relaying my discontent.

Look who's a "thought leader"

Haha!  I'm all important and stuff. ;)  I just stumbled upon this link in my email from an interview I did at last year's DIA.  So funny to me as I am currently in the trenches of AAHRPP Reaccreditation for my company right now.

When things get rough, I turn to you.

As I mentioned in my previous post.  Life is challenging right now; we are all busy sorting out all the feelings that come along with life's struggles when they hit really close to home.  Am I mad?  Am I heartbroken?  Am I sad?  And what does it matter?  What does it change?  Or what if I should be concerned and there is a crazy explanation that makes this all forgivable?  The actual circumstances are inconsequential to this post, but what it comes down to is we all have experienced a hurt so severe that we have asked ourselves all these questions and searched for some answer that makes it hurt less.

So I find it best when I am in this headspace to count my blessings and practice gratitude.

Today, I am thankful for those little simple pleasures and the big characters in my life that make these fabulous little moments so memorable and special.  For instance,  this morning  I was driving Bella to "school" (daycare) when she asked me why Daddy had to go to work. (We are neck deep in the "why" phase.) So I said Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma all have to work so that we can have money to buy food, have a house, and to pay for things we want to do. Which was followed by "Why?" To which I explained that we live in a capitalistic economy. "Why?" Ummmmmmmmmmm .... so I begin to explain the foundation of capitalism in America and how it contributes to our political system and global trade (thinking I would throw her). I look back and see her little wheels turning, I mean I can  actually see her contemplating the origin of capitalism in America and she says, "why?" To which I say "I don't have an answer for that, but did you know a year has 525,600 minutes?" Then promptly bust out into an a capella version of RENT's Seasons of Love.

Oh my heart!  These tender random hilarious moments where I somehow managed to introduce my girl to the world of nerds via cerebralism and Broadway musicals all before 8am.  I am so thankful that my girl is inquisitive and persistent and funny and even more tickled that she smiled when I began singing arguably one of my favorite songs of all time.  And then magnified by the fact that all of that comes in this gorgeous little face.

Which brings me to her daddy, my handsome groom with an artist's soul, a tender heart, and a hand that always finds mine in our sleep.

 



This man defines love when he has every reason to have given up on people a very long time ago.  He has been my rock and has wiped far more tears than I care to admit to and endured even more cursing rants of frustration when nobody else was looking and I didn't have to be quite so strong.

Which, of course, means that I look upon my role models ... the women who shaped me and taught me how to be strong and stand-up for yourself and your family.

I am so grateful for how far my brother and I have come.  It's no secret that he and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye or agreed on what path is the correct one, but we have come leaps and bounds in the past few years.  I am so thankful that we can now speak as adults and discuss personal journeys, the best interest of ourselves and our family and be truly committed to supporting each other and playing vital roles in eachother's lives.  I am also extremely grateful for the woman in his life, who has been such a beautiful compliment to him and become a fast friend and "family" to us all.

 

Which reminds me how fortunate I am to have my Mother-in-law and sister-in-law who not only adopted me as Sean's wife, but as true family.  Allowing me to be a daughter, sister, and friend to them the best way I can figure how.

And then thankful for all my "sisters" who have called, texted, and emailed just to be an ear or a shoulder somehow always managing to deliver laughs, perspective and good news and help keep the balance of highs to these recent lows.

 

 

 

The colleagues who are proving to be dear friends and champions of women.

 



I even have a friend so new that I don't have a single picture with her yet.  What blessings!

So to combat the hurt, I turn my face away from the source and look upon all these amazing characters that make my life so colorful, beautiful, and remarkable.  For you all, I am so grateful.

sometimes everything goes completely sideways

I think I have cried at least once everyday for the past month.  All due to family strife of different sorts ... all seemingly hitting that tender chord with me of feeling misunderstood.  I have never been so mad, so sad, and so misunderstood.  My heart is broken, but I have the most amazing mother, the most loving husband and a remarkable family of friends ... all so willing to listen to me talk, watch me cry, and wipe my tears.

As I often say, "it'll all be OK in the end ... and if it's not OK right now, then it's not the end."

The heart hopes.
Namaste.

WooHoo! Bella's 2!

So our little girl is two years old already! Where did the time go?  Seriously ... all signs of my baby are rapidly disappearing.  So to celebrate her big birthday, we threw her a little bash of her family and our friends and their kiddos.

Having a birthday is February, the weather (especially here) can be unpredictable.  So we made sure to plan a little art activity for Bella and friends since we had no guarantee that Mother Nature was going to allow the kids to run outside ... which she didn't, instead she rained and even snowed for a brief while!

Since we have called Bella, "Bug" since she was born and we knew we were going to have some of her male cousins over, we did a Bug-themed party.

So for their art activity, we got each of the kids two plaster bugs to paint.  As an added "cute" bonus, my Mom made each of the kids a little art apron with bugs all over it.  I think it was a hit! 

 

My cousin (3rd gen), Sonja, even brought her newborn baby boy Sterling to the party.  He and Bella are 4th cousins ...Eek!  I love that!  Bella even had two other 4th cousins there (Ethan and Damon).

Although this party was to celebrate Bella, I felt as though I was the one receiving all the blessings.  I had two of my dearest high school friends here with their daughters, my family, a post-college roommate and her husband, and some new friends that  meshed so seamlessly with all of us.

 

 

As if that wasn't reason enough to feel blessed, they were all here to celebrate our sweet Bug!  We even had friends of my parents who have become family to me, here building "family bonds" with my daughter.  How lucky I am to have wonderful relationships with so many loving people?

 

 

 

 

My hope is that we are surrounding Bella with people and moments that leave here having fond, happy childhood memories.  I hope that she always stays so happy. 

 

 

I think my favorite moment of the entire day was as Bella was opening each present, I would tell her who the card was from and without any prompt, she signed and whispered "thank you" to each person. Proud mommy moment! She does listen when I am trying to teach manners.

Happy Birthday, my mighty little Bella!  We all love watching you grow up!



I had lots more to say

My beautiful health coach cousin, Heather, invited me to talk about Nutrition on our SHRED Challenge call last night.  I had a ton of notes and only 10 minutes to talk about it all.  I got so excited about what everyone was saying and sharing a single epiphany I've had about teaching my daughter nutrition that I fear I failed sharing probably some of the wisdom that was most applicable to the entire group.  So here's what else I wanted to share:

 

1) Herbalife is amazing and tastes great; my 2-year-old daughter begs for sips of my shakes.  Perhaps that is why Herbalife makes this.

 

2)  My husband started drinking one shake a day and just taking a lunch to work and lost nearly 25 lbs.  He was barely trying.  That speaks volumes about the impact even little purposeful changes to your nutrition can make huge differences in your health.

 

3)  Parents - please don't avoid working out at home because you have an audience (aka: our kiddos who laugh at everything).  My daughter thinks me doing push-ups and squats and crunches is hilarious!  Laughter is infectious and it works your abs!  Also, seize the moment, I had my best friend and her daughter, Daisy, over for a play date.  Daisy was doing something that resembled downward dog, so I said: "Yay!  You're doing yoga.  That's downward dog."  We laughed about the funny name and then she told me she is learning yoga in kindergarten.  So I ask her to show me what she is learning.  next thing you knew, we were having a little yoga session in my living room.  It turned out to be a great workout, my daughter was trying it too, and we made memories and got the kiddos excited about movement.  Win!  Score one for the parents.

 

4)  When making food choices for your family.  You can make the same dishes that you always did, just keep these things in mind: 

    a) Flip the ratio (make sure that the protein and veggies outweigh the starches on the plates)

    b) Dish up dinner on smaller plates (it tends to help people who are proned to clearing their plate  

          eat smaller portions)

    c) Keep the food on your plate colorful!  Naturally, colorful food is an indication that it's full of the good stuff (omegas, antioxidants, vitamins, minerals) and the kids looooooove color. For my   little one, I ask her to point out what food is green, blue, red, purple, etc.  It keeps her engaged.

    d) Just because someone in the family didn't eat a veggies or a healthy grain prepared one way   doesn't mean they'll hate it every way.  Don't give up; try new things.  Your family may think couscous is boring, but try adding toasted pine nuts, roasted garlic, some chopped parsley or arugula and a little feta ... orrrrr diced tomatoes, basil, and some grated parmiggiano reggiano. BOOM!  Yum fest!

    e) If veggies aren't your thing or your families thing, hide them!  We put chopped spinach in our meatloaf and grated zucchini in our home-made lemon bread.

   

I am by no stretch of the imagine a perfect mom, perfect wife or perfect human ... none of us are.  I make mistakes everyday.  What worked yesterday won't always work tomorrow, but I refuse to give up.  The key is that we are all human which means we have the awesome ability to adapt, overcome, improvise, and be a better version of ourselves than we were the day before.  Keep trying.  Keep in mind that fueling this gorgeous machine of our body is our number one responsibility, it affects every other aspect of what we do, see, and say.

 

OK, that's what I wanted to say.  To the SHREDDERS on the call last night, sorry I got off track and didn't get to share it all.  To my other readers, take care of yourself.  You wouldn't put off-brand regular unleaded in a Maserati, so why would you put artificial food with questionable ingredients and quality control in your body or the bodies of your loved ones.

San Francisco and Family on my mind

My family endured a lot of loss in 2012.  In the course of one year, three of my beloved family members left this Earth.  It was hard, but today I had a nice little smile on my face thinking of one of them and I thought I would share. 

 

I was sitting here working away at my desk, when Alan Jackson's "Remember When" came on. I instantly thought of my Uncle JR and how much he loved Alan Jackson; I teared up a bit. I miss him terribly. He was taken from us by pancreatic cancer.  It was quick and although cruel it did not make him suffer long.  While healing from the loss of this man who meant so much to so many of us, I constantly think of the last thing he ever said to me. It was the last Christmas (2011) he was here and as he and my Aunt Judy were leaving, he came and hugged me and gave me his usual sweet kiss on the cheek and said, "Bella is amazing and beautiful. You are doing a good job with her." That meant more to me than I will ever be able to express. 

 

 

My Uncle JR was the man who caught me in the hall when I ran out into the hall of Mercy Hospital's SICU with tears rolling down my face, the day my Mom and I (at 19 years old) had to make the decision to turn off my Grandmother's life support.  He caught me and held me and let me sob until I could stand on my feet again.

 

Everyone who met him loved him.  I miss him.  He will never be forgotten and I carry him in my heart everyday.

I know he would be so excited for the Big Game this weekend. Although normally I could care less about football, I will be cheering for the 49ers in honor of my Uncle JR.

Herbalife SHRED Challenge

So as some of you may know, I began on a health and weightloss journey in September 2011.  Bella was eight months old and I still had 7lbs of baby weight I wanted to get rid of.  I'll save the story of how it came to be for another blog, but I started Herbalife and began a mission to fit into all my suits again.  That was my goal.  Not a final weight or a final measurement, but just to be able to fit into my favorite black suit again.  So with the amazing modifications a woman's body makes to accommodate creating another human, losing the 7lbs was not enough to fit into the aforementioned suit again.  It took three months and 33 lbs to fit into that suit again, but I made it and I can rock it once again.

 

I have stayed on a maintenance plan with Herbalife, using the shakes and the supplements to stay healthy and have the energy to keep up with my growing toddler.  I love it, I feel amazing!  However, I have not made as much time to work out as I would like.  Did you notice the word choice there ... not I am too busy to work out, but that I have not made as much time to work out as my heart would like.  Thus, I am not as lean or strong as I dream of being.

 

So with the turning of the new year, my Herbalife family started a SHRED Challenge.  6 weeks, before and after pictures, top 2 men and top 2 women win a cash prize.  Perfect!!  Competition is a good way to encourage and in this competition all of the Shredders are sharing and encouraging each other, sharing recipes, workouts, motivational quotes and all things glorious and loving and encouraging.  I'm amped!  I am constantly being thoughtful and deliberate in my food choices.  However, we are at the top of Week 4 and my progress pics show no progress.  *sigh  The scale at one point showed 5 lbs. gone, but now I stand at only a 2lb. weight loss. *sigh 

 

I find myself being jealous of all the young 20-somethings in the challenge that do not have to cook for a family and thus can plan out an entire week of premade, premeasured low calorie, high protein meals.  They don't have to get home to bathe a child and thus have time to go to the gym everyday for 2 hours and burn 1200 calories in one gym session.  Then I snap out of it and remember that I am a 33-year-old mother who shares a home with my mother, father, husband, and daughter.  I love the challenge of finding ways to make healthy, nutritious, exciting, sensuous food for my family.  I remember that I live 15 miles from the closest gym and there are no lit sidewalks out here in the part of the county I live in.  I remember that I am an executive under extremely stressful, high pressure deadlines right now and I have managed to make time to do 30-minute Jillian Michaels videos here in my home office.  I remember that although my progress picture is not showing the physical transition that I have hoped for, the mental progress I have made is profound.  I love where I am in my life and I do not need to envy anyone else's reality.

 

For instance, last night rather than making the normal chicken enchilada casserole that used to consist of chicken, green chiles, tons of cheese, tortillas, and green chile sauce (from a can) that would usually be accompanied my Mexican-style rice or refried beans. I made the following variation:  Chicken and vegetable enchiladas (chicken, corn tortillas, half the cheese that would normally be included with corn, zucchini, squash, cilantro, and scratch-made tomatillo sauce) which was accompanied by a green salad with avocado, carrots, pepitas, organic heirloom tomatoes, cucumbers, and low-fat Trader Joe's Cilantro dressing.  My family ate it ... some even gave huge, glowing compliments of how delicious it was.  That, my friends, is success!  Success is not solely present in the number on a scale or whether or not your pants are looser.  Last night, it was present in the herbal tea I was drinking sweetened with organic agave rather than a Coke Zero.  It was present in the vitamin packed, reduced calorie, well-balanced, nutritious meal I made for my family.

 

I am so inspired by my Herbalife family and I want them to be inspired by me as well.  We are learning skills on how to improve our lives, by improving our health ... we are not solely learning how to have the most drastic before and after photo.  I am still fighting to win the competition, but I am being realistic and counting my daily victories and want to share it with all of you who may not be seeing the movement on the scale or your waist measurement that you were hoping for.  Success is defined by how we feel about ourselves everyday; are we proud of who we were today? I am; I am stoked on the shift I have made in myself!  I am so damn proud of how far I have come.  I am proud of the healthy habits I am teaching my family and modeling for my young daughter.  That success will never be present in a photograph other than the size of my smile in said photo.

 

Much love and health to you all!  And as a nod to the physical transition I have made.  Here is my before and after photo since Bella  was born and where I stand now in my current form.

What inspires you? What keeps you keeping on?

I have been so bad at keeping up with my blog; it always seems like something is going on.  I am so good at getting things done, making things happen for those I love, but I haven't been making time to write.  Tsk, tsk to me!  I am on the road today ... one of my infamous quick trips to Boston ... back on a plane tomorrow to head home to my handsome groom and my beautiful daughter!

 

We are in the midst of a huge life shift right now, the details of which will unfold and disclose themselves in their right time, but in the midst of this shift I have found myself really focusing on health.  Mine, Sean's and the health habits we are building in our daughter.

 

So I am human - a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend, an executive (that travels a ton), a role model, and an enthusiast of life.  My default position is positive (albeit it took major life events to lock my dial on positive).

 

So in the midst of all of this, I find myself consciously acknowledging the things that keep me inspired.  So since every success we have as a human depends on how we feel ... every success depends on our health - mind and body.  With that said, I share with you the things that I fight to keep in the forefront of my mind because they keep me inspired to keep my chin up, eyes focused, and moving onward and upward.

 

This is what inspires me to keep healthy, to fight for my best health:

 

1) my daughter

2) not needing caffeine or energy drinks or sugar to keep my eyes open

3) not wanting to miss my bliss because I am not alert or able

4) wanting to be the bitchin' grandma (30 years from now when my daughter is a mother) that can go hiking with her grandkids, that can ride bikes, and jump in waves with my kid and the kids she may or may not choose to have one day

5) 50-year-old, mothers of three who practice Bikram six days a week and have a stronger, leaner body than i have ever had

6) those crazy Phoenicians who at 60+ years old still RUN up Piestewa Peak on Saturdays (you hear me, PHX?)

7) 60+ year old men who still paddle out to the breakers every morning

8) keeping my husband discovering new bliss everyday

9) inspiring my husband to continue discovering how healthy changes in his life overflow into every aspect of his life

10) feeling great on these long business road trips, so that if I have to be away from my family I can be confident that it was worth it and I did work worth being proud of

11) the complete and utter giddiness that washes over me every time an aesthetician or dermatologist tells me I have great skin!

12) wanting to be a positive role model for my two sister-in-laws who are nearly a generation younger than I

13) my undying desire to travel and learn more, see more, experience more

14) my fear of ever not being able to walk on my own

15) my fear of preventable disease

 

These are just a few of the things that have encouraged me and kept me on task as I try to build, shape, and refine my own health practice.  Good health means body and soul.  It starts in our cells with what we feed ourselves and everything expands out from there.  I am finding what works for me and I hope that you all take the time to actively acknowledge what inspires you and allow it to give you power to accomplish what you think you are not capable or worthy of.  Little hint:  you are capable and worthy of so much more than you give yourself credit for.