Why So Serious?

I don't even remember any longer where we were or what we were doing, but those words from her sweet, little mouth are seared into my memory.  Bella looked at me and asked "Momma, why are you always so serious?"  The truth is I don't know why.  I have so many reasons to be sad or thoughtful or even a touch angry, but no good reason for being so serious.

For the first time in my life, I can actually say that I have been battling depression.  The other night, I actually sat on my couch in the middle of the evening and just uncontrollably sobbed.  I want to talk about this a bit.  Ever since my Dad took off a bit over a year ago now, I have on more than one occasion reached out and made several phonecalls to try and find  therapist because I knew that this was going to be a hard one to process and I should probably get some help working through all of this.  Do you know how many therapists and counselors have called me back?  One!  One! This ladies and gentlemen is a HUGE problem.  If someone has actually gotten to the point where they are actively seeking out help and nobody calls them back, this is a problem!

For all of you who watch the news and wonder why these people who are so sad or completely mad didn't get help ...maybe, just maybe they tried and couldn't even get a call back.

I have endured and thrived in life despite having been molested at a young age, regardless of the fact that my grandmother was robbed of her life way too soon and that I sat there and held her hand as she took her last breath, notwithstanding the tragic death of a man I loved very much due to a suicide bomber, I have always been able to keep my head up, love in my heart and a smile on my face.  However, the postpartum depression I went through after Bella was born followed shortly thereafter by my fathers act of cowardice to just disappear, walk out on his wife and want nothing to do with his children ... these events over the past four years, have pushed me to the brink of losing my smile.  I know it, I can feel it, I have asked for help and my call has gone unanswered.

I am so thankful that I have been mostly able to keep a level head and certainly have not gotten as dark as some other people I know that have been afflicted with depression.  I know that I have to be my own advocate and just keep calling until I get a call back from someone that fits my needs, but the point is that we need to be honest with ourselves and with each other.  If we don't, we are harming ourselves, but also possibly teaching our minis that we should be serious or glum or angry ... that's no way to live.

My truth is that I was very affected by becoming a mother and than losing my father.  I have a beautiful life and a ton of reasons to smile, but it can be easy to lose focus of that and this time finding my way back has taken more work that I ever recall it requiring in the past.  In all this, I am starting to learn to give people more grace because none of us know what they may be battling with or who they asked for help that didn't return their phonecall.

I am still knee-deep in this lesson, I don't know what I will look like on the other side of this, but I do know that I have been cold to some people when I was angry even when I know they real answer is love.  I vow to be love, to try my hardest to not be so serious,  and I promise to return phone calls

Our Humble Little Home on the Hill

Big news!  We've moved!  We are officially homeowners for the first time in our lives and we are madly and passionately in love with this humble little house on the hill.  She's older and needs a lot of TLC, but we find her charming and loveable! 

 

Oh and she might have the most incredible view of East County San Diego!

When things get rough, I turn to you.

As I mentioned in my previous post.  Life is challenging right now; we are all busy sorting out all the feelings that come along with life's struggles when they hit really close to home.  Am I mad?  Am I heartbroken?  Am I sad?  And what does it matter?  What does it change?  Or what if I should be concerned and there is a crazy explanation that makes this all forgivable?  The actual circumstances are inconsequential to this post, but what it comes down to is we all have experienced a hurt so severe that we have asked ourselves all these questions and searched for some answer that makes it hurt less.

So I find it best when I am in this headspace to count my blessings and practice gratitude.

Today, I am thankful for those little simple pleasures and the big characters in my life that make these fabulous little moments so memorable and special.  For instance,  this morning  I was driving Bella to "school" (daycare) when she asked me why Daddy had to go to work. (We are neck deep in the "why" phase.) So I said Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma all have to work so that we can have money to buy food, have a house, and to pay for things we want to do. Which was followed by "Why?" To which I explained that we live in a capitalistic economy. "Why?" Ummmmmmmmmmm .... so I begin to explain the foundation of capitalism in America and how it contributes to our political system and global trade (thinking I would throw her). I look back and see her little wheels turning, I mean I can  actually see her contemplating the origin of capitalism in America and she says, "why?" To which I say "I don't have an answer for that, but did you know a year has 525,600 minutes?" Then promptly bust out into an a capella version of RENT's Seasons of Love.

Oh my heart!  These tender random hilarious moments where I somehow managed to introduce my girl to the world of nerds via cerebralism and Broadway musicals all before 8am.  I am so thankful that my girl is inquisitive and persistent and funny and even more tickled that she smiled when I began singing arguably one of my favorite songs of all time.  And then magnified by the fact that all of that comes in this gorgeous little face.

Which brings me to her daddy, my handsome groom with an artist's soul, a tender heart, and a hand that always finds mine in our sleep.

 



This man defines love when he has every reason to have given up on people a very long time ago.  He has been my rock and has wiped far more tears than I care to admit to and endured even more cursing rants of frustration when nobody else was looking and I didn't have to be quite so strong.

Which, of course, means that I look upon my role models ... the women who shaped me and taught me how to be strong and stand-up for yourself and your family.

I am so grateful for how far my brother and I have come.  It's no secret that he and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye or agreed on what path is the correct one, but we have come leaps and bounds in the past few years.  I am so thankful that we can now speak as adults and discuss personal journeys, the best interest of ourselves and our family and be truly committed to supporting each other and playing vital roles in eachother's lives.  I am also extremely grateful for the woman in his life, who has been such a beautiful compliment to him and become a fast friend and "family" to us all.

 

Which reminds me how fortunate I am to have my Mother-in-law and sister-in-law who not only adopted me as Sean's wife, but as true family.  Allowing me to be a daughter, sister, and friend to them the best way I can figure how.

And then thankful for all my "sisters" who have called, texted, and emailed just to be an ear or a shoulder somehow always managing to deliver laughs, perspective and good news and help keep the balance of highs to these recent lows.

 

 

 

The colleagues who are proving to be dear friends and champions of women.

 



I even have a friend so new that I don't have a single picture with her yet.  What blessings!

So to combat the hurt, I turn my face away from the source and look upon all these amazing characters that make my life so colorful, beautiful, and remarkable.  For you all, I am so grateful.

sometimes everything goes completely sideways

I think I have cried at least once everyday for the past month.  All due to family strife of different sorts ... all seemingly hitting that tender chord with me of feeling misunderstood.  I have never been so mad, so sad, and so misunderstood.  My heart is broken, but I have the most amazing mother, the most loving husband and a remarkable family of friends ... all so willing to listen to me talk, watch me cry, and wipe my tears.

As I often say, "it'll all be OK in the end ... and if it's not OK right now, then it's not the end."

The heart hopes.
Namaste.

WooHoo! Bella's 2!

So our little girl is two years old already! Where did the time go?  Seriously ... all signs of my baby are rapidly disappearing.  So to celebrate her big birthday, we threw her a little bash of her family and our friends and their kiddos.

Having a birthday is February, the weather (especially here) can be unpredictable.  So we made sure to plan a little art activity for Bella and friends since we had no guarantee that Mother Nature was going to allow the kids to run outside ... which she didn't, instead she rained and even snowed for a brief while!

Since we have called Bella, "Bug" since she was born and we knew we were going to have some of her male cousins over, we did a Bug-themed party.

So for their art activity, we got each of the kids two plaster bugs to paint.  As an added "cute" bonus, my Mom made each of the kids a little art apron with bugs all over it.  I think it was a hit! 

 

My cousin (3rd gen), Sonja, even brought her newborn baby boy Sterling to the party.  He and Bella are 4th cousins ...Eek!  I love that!  Bella even had two other 4th cousins there (Ethan and Damon).

Although this party was to celebrate Bella, I felt as though I was the one receiving all the blessings.  I had two of my dearest high school friends here with their daughters, my family, a post-college roommate and her husband, and some new friends that  meshed so seamlessly with all of us.

 

 

As if that wasn't reason enough to feel blessed, they were all here to celebrate our sweet Bug!  We even had friends of my parents who have become family to me, here building "family bonds" with my daughter.  How lucky I am to have wonderful relationships with so many loving people?

 

 

 

 

My hope is that we are surrounding Bella with people and moments that leave here having fond, happy childhood memories.  I hope that she always stays so happy. 

 

 

I think my favorite moment of the entire day was as Bella was opening each present, I would tell her who the card was from and without any prompt, she signed and whispered "thank you" to each person. Proud mommy moment! She does listen when I am trying to teach manners.

Happy Birthday, my mighty little Bella!  We all love watching you grow up!



Herbalife SHRED Challenge

So as some of you may know, I began on a health and weightloss journey in September 2011.  Bella was eight months old and I still had 7lbs of baby weight I wanted to get rid of.  I'll save the story of how it came to be for another blog, but I started Herbalife and began a mission to fit into all my suits again.  That was my goal.  Not a final weight or a final measurement, but just to be able to fit into my favorite black suit again.  So with the amazing modifications a woman's body makes to accommodate creating another human, losing the 7lbs was not enough to fit into the aforementioned suit again.  It took three months and 33 lbs to fit into that suit again, but I made it and I can rock it once again.

 

I have stayed on a maintenance plan with Herbalife, using the shakes and the supplements to stay healthy and have the energy to keep up with my growing toddler.  I love it, I feel amazing!  However, I have not made as much time to work out as I would like.  Did you notice the word choice there ... not I am too busy to work out, but that I have not made as much time to work out as my heart would like.  Thus, I am not as lean or strong as I dream of being.

 

So with the turning of the new year, my Herbalife family started a SHRED Challenge.  6 weeks, before and after pictures, top 2 men and top 2 women win a cash prize.  Perfect!!  Competition is a good way to encourage and in this competition all of the Shredders are sharing and encouraging each other, sharing recipes, workouts, motivational quotes and all things glorious and loving and encouraging.  I'm amped!  I am constantly being thoughtful and deliberate in my food choices.  However, we are at the top of Week 4 and my progress pics show no progress.  *sigh  The scale at one point showed 5 lbs. gone, but now I stand at only a 2lb. weight loss. *sigh 

 

I find myself being jealous of all the young 20-somethings in the challenge that do not have to cook for a family and thus can plan out an entire week of premade, premeasured low calorie, high protein meals.  They don't have to get home to bathe a child and thus have time to go to the gym everyday for 2 hours and burn 1200 calories in one gym session.  Then I snap out of it and remember that I am a 33-year-old mother who shares a home with my mother, father, husband, and daughter.  I love the challenge of finding ways to make healthy, nutritious, exciting, sensuous food for my family.  I remember that I live 15 miles from the closest gym and there are no lit sidewalks out here in the part of the county I live in.  I remember that I am an executive under extremely stressful, high pressure deadlines right now and I have managed to make time to do 30-minute Jillian Michaels videos here in my home office.  I remember that although my progress picture is not showing the physical transition that I have hoped for, the mental progress I have made is profound.  I love where I am in my life and I do not need to envy anyone else's reality.

 

For instance, last night rather than making the normal chicken enchilada casserole that used to consist of chicken, green chiles, tons of cheese, tortillas, and green chile sauce (from a can) that would usually be accompanied my Mexican-style rice or refried beans. I made the following variation:  Chicken and vegetable enchiladas (chicken, corn tortillas, half the cheese that would normally be included with corn, zucchini, squash, cilantro, and scratch-made tomatillo sauce) which was accompanied by a green salad with avocado, carrots, pepitas, organic heirloom tomatoes, cucumbers, and low-fat Trader Joe's Cilantro dressing.  My family ate it ... some even gave huge, glowing compliments of how delicious it was.  That, my friends, is success!  Success is not solely present in the number on a scale or whether or not your pants are looser.  Last night, it was present in the herbal tea I was drinking sweetened with organic agave rather than a Coke Zero.  It was present in the vitamin packed, reduced calorie, well-balanced, nutritious meal I made for my family.

 

I am so inspired by my Herbalife family and I want them to be inspired by me as well.  We are learning skills on how to improve our lives, by improving our health ... we are not solely learning how to have the most drastic before and after photo.  I am still fighting to win the competition, but I am being realistic and counting my daily victories and want to share it with all of you who may not be seeing the movement on the scale or your waist measurement that you were hoping for.  Success is defined by how we feel about ourselves everyday; are we proud of who we were today? I am; I am stoked on the shift I have made in myself!  I am so damn proud of how far I have come.  I am proud of the healthy habits I am teaching my family and modeling for my young daughter.  That success will never be present in a photograph other than the size of my smile in said photo.

 

Much love and health to you all!  And as a nod to the physical transition I have made.  Here is my before and after photo since Bella  was born and where I stand now in my current form.

What inspires you? What keeps you keeping on?

I have been so bad at keeping up with my blog; it always seems like something is going on.  I am so good at getting things done, making things happen for those I love, but I haven't been making time to write.  Tsk, tsk to me!  I am on the road today ... one of my infamous quick trips to Boston ... back on a plane tomorrow to head home to my handsome groom and my beautiful daughter!

 

We are in the midst of a huge life shift right now, the details of which will unfold and disclose themselves in their right time, but in the midst of this shift I have found myself really focusing on health.  Mine, Sean's and the health habits we are building in our daughter.

 

So I am human - a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend, an executive (that travels a ton), a role model, and an enthusiast of life.  My default position is positive (albeit it took major life events to lock my dial on positive).

 

So in the midst of all of this, I find myself consciously acknowledging the things that keep me inspired.  So since every success we have as a human depends on how we feel ... every success depends on our health - mind and body.  With that said, I share with you the things that I fight to keep in the forefront of my mind because they keep me inspired to keep my chin up, eyes focused, and moving onward and upward.

 

This is what inspires me to keep healthy, to fight for my best health:

 

1) my daughter

2) not needing caffeine or energy drinks or sugar to keep my eyes open

3) not wanting to miss my bliss because I am not alert or able

4) wanting to be the bitchin' grandma (30 years from now when my daughter is a mother) that can go hiking with her grandkids, that can ride bikes, and jump in waves with my kid and the kids she may or may not choose to have one day

5) 50-year-old, mothers of three who practice Bikram six days a week and have a stronger, leaner body than i have ever had

6) those crazy Phoenicians who at 60+ years old still RUN up Piestewa Peak on Saturdays (you hear me, PHX?)

7) 60+ year old men who still paddle out to the breakers every morning

8) keeping my husband discovering new bliss everyday

9) inspiring my husband to continue discovering how healthy changes in his life overflow into every aspect of his life

10) feeling great on these long business road trips, so that if I have to be away from my family I can be confident that it was worth it and I did work worth being proud of

11) the complete and utter giddiness that washes over me every time an aesthetician or dermatologist tells me I have great skin!

12) wanting to be a positive role model for my two sister-in-laws who are nearly a generation younger than I

13) my undying desire to travel and learn more, see more, experience more

14) my fear of ever not being able to walk on my own

15) my fear of preventable disease

 

These are just a few of the things that have encouraged me and kept me on task as I try to build, shape, and refine my own health practice.  Good health means body and soul.  It starts in our cells with what we feed ourselves and everything expands out from there.  I am finding what works for me and I hope that you all take the time to actively acknowledge what inspires you and allow it to give you power to accomplish what you think you are not capable or worthy of.  Little hint:  you are capable and worthy of so much more than you give yourself credit for.

The last 12 months

I have been silent here for about a year now.  The return to San Diego has brought a lot of change to our world and I have definitely needed to focus on loving my family and learning how to be fair to myself in my new role as a mother. 

Lots of things have changed.  Families members have left their earthly bodies and moved on to whatever it is that is next for them.  Friends have married, started their families, and some have been charging through those curveballs of life and it all has left me overcome.  I am now realizing the truth of adult life that things never get easier, you just adapt, and things keep changing and you just keep having to adapt.

Sean has left the industry he has worked in for the first 14 years of his adult life and has embarked on a new career that he has spent the last twelve months fighting to get into.  If there is one word that describes my husband it is: determined.  I am so proud of him.  So impressed by the man that this last twelve months has helped form him into.

All dressed up for a Christmas party

 

I have returned to traveling quite a bit for work and find myself on the road more than I care to be, but all the while remain feeling blessed and grateful for such a life that has allowed me to see parts of the country that family vacations may have never brought me to.  My career has provided me with friends and colleagues all over this country and a travel schedule that allows me the occasional facetime that otherwise would not be likely.



Me and Bethie at a BoSox Game.  Fenway Park - Boston, MA

I am blessed.  I am thankful.  I am overwhelmed and awestruck by how dynamic life is and how beautiful the human spirit can be.

Our sweet Bella has grown so much.  She is tall and beautiful and hilarious ... the only hints of our baby left are her diapers and her cries of frustration that her tongue has not learned to articulate what her mind is thinking.

Here's just a few of our favorite pictures of Bella's first holiday season, her first snow, and so many other firsts!



Bella's 1st Thanksgiving



Bella's 1st Christmas

 

1st trip to the Children's Museum

Bella's 1st taste of Birthday Cake 

With all these firsts, she takes lots of naps.  Some she gives in to.  Some she fights 'til she can't fight any more.

 

 Seriously ... can you believe how big she is getting?

 

  

With Spring, came Bella's discovery of the great outdoors.  She now brings us her shoes and begs to go outside.  She cares very little about TV, but water and the outdoors seem to call to her.

 

 

She is hilarious and beautiful and fearless and so charismatic!

 

Oh and she loves music!  Here she is dancing with Auntie Dani at her first Farmer's Market this summer.

So that nearly catches us up with the basics for the past twelve months.  I am feeling a pull back into writing and sharing and opening new doors and windows and blazing new paths, so stay tuned!